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I've realised what's wrong with me. - http://turkeyphant.livejournal.com/ — LiveJournal
I've realised what's wrong with me.
It's lack of motivation, that's it. I never get anything done, I never achieve anything. I do shit, I fail Latin exams. I hardly ever go out, I have no true friends. It's not all the Jews' fault Abu, it's mine. Simply put, I have fuck-all motivation. Like us all, I want to get out there and do something with my life. I want to change people - preferably for the better. I want to have some sort of influence and make my life slightly worthwhile. I don't want it all to be wasted. I want to be an influence and to accomplish. But I have no motivation.

I always thought I was someone different - special. Someone with something to offer. Sure I may be different but that's not hard, I may have something to offer but is it worthwhile? I'm scared that maybe, just maybe I do have something somewhere and I'm wasting it. Common sense and my dammed cynicism tells me no. I'm not different. I wanted to be remembered when I'm gone. I like the idea of being around after my death. But who will remember me a month, a year, a decade, a century, a millennium, a billion years down the line? I'm truly am nothing - the quintessence of insignificance. I'm just a kid with a dream. A dream that'll never come true.

Back to what I was intending to say... Motivation always lets me down. I hardly ever go out. I don't meet people. Perhaps it's my lack of confidence around all things new? I think the main reason I like school is because people are forced to be around me and it's a lazy way for me to be around people. Once I leave university I don't know what I'll be doing. I can't see myself being invited to nights out. I can't see myself seeing people doing things. I'm scared to death of staying at home living my pitiful existence doing nothing. I don't want to fritter all my time away.

I've already all but given up on finding the special person. I doubt I'll even be able to find someone who will make me happy and whom I can please. But now, lack of motivation keeps me back. The last two holidays I've made massive lists of things I need to do. Every time I come back to it and see half of it not done. Revision. Homework. Talking. Hobbies. Jobs. Socialising. Thinking. Weasley.exe. mp3 cataloguing. Writing. Reading. I never do them. At least I even got round to noting all this down. Every day I get home and go down, watch TV for a while staring at the flickering screen but not seeing anything. Then I go and play a game for a while. Probably something like Counterstrike. I don't get any pleasure out of doing it, I just do it to occupy myself. I don't need to concentrate and just play the same levels over and over again. I eat, sleep and listen to some music without hearing the notes. I don't get anything done. Before I know it, it's eleven thirty and I have to get ready for bed. I have to clean my teeth, exercise, wash, shut down PC, close curtains, read a chapter of a book, close my eyes, all that. And each day I ask myself, "what have I done?" The reply's already there. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

There's so much stuff I need to do. I wanted to write about Banks. Let him know I don't mean the shit I say to him. There was so much I wanted to say - he's so fucking complex. I guess I'll have to do it sometime. Before I leave I want to write a letter to everyone. Each person I have to tell how much I appreciate them. Let them know that I loved them. Because I know that I'll lose touch. They won't make the effort to see me, I'll do the same. Even if two years isn't enough, after university and stuff, all these fabulous people I know will be merely vague memories of real people I once knew. They'll never be real again. I'm so scared but I know it will happen. I know because it's happened before. I wanted to write about Lois. Let her know how she made me feel ask her whether she cares about what went through me. But I can never say it with feeling because I know I've done exactly the same and will do it again and again. I want to try and explain Weasley, Daws, TD. Even though it won't change her and it was my fault, I want to write to Rosanna about why she acted the way she did. Sam I really owe an apology to. Suda...god. I never learn. I never, ever learn. I want people to understand that I am a person too.

I feel there's so much within me yearning to be shared. There must be some good about me somewhere just I can't dig it up to show people. I want them to understand it's there. I know I can be something more than I am now, I just don't know how to be. I will never "get" myself. Can't understand what I am. I just want someone else to be able to.

All around me I see death, destruction, injustice, torture, pain, spite and all sorts of shit. I can't understand it properly. I don't have the emotion. I've been so sheltered I don't have the feeling to express it all. There's just not enough inside me. I want to understand the meaning of it all but I can’t. I want to be able to feel what it's like for myself. So I can seethe picture clearly. I want to breathe in the smoke and exhale oxygen. I want to make it all end. Most of all, I wish I could do something. I feel so helpless because I am. I wish I had some control over my life but no matter how motivated I become I have a infinitesimal sphere of influence. And I don't even have the power to make myself motivated. I'm so delicate but I no-one can see that. I don't want to be naïve anymore. I want to distance myself from humanity so I can look down from a different perspective.

I don't even have the courage to speak my mind. I am a phoney. I want to be able to see meaning in just one thing. My dream is to write a book/make a piece of art/say one thing/accomplish one feat that I will agree with in a million years for now. I want it to all be correct. I want to make something that is right. I want it to stop, to stop, to stop, to stop, to stop... I don’t want to die alone and ignorant. I want to rest easy. I wish that I could be happy and mean it.

There are thousands of topics I've noted down to do journal entries on. Not one of them has been completed. I could go back and spell check/punctuate these ramblings but I can't be bothered. I can't be bothered to have a life, to do something after school, to get up over the holidays, to earn some money, to make real friends, to make something of my life. The worst thing of all is I can't be bothered to change. I don't even have the concentration to gather my thoughts properly. To understand which is the right side of an argument. To realise moral dilemmas. I don't know what I believe. I'm not even sure if I mean any of this. I'll say it again: I long to be sure about one single thing at least. Work out what I actually think.

I just don't have the motivation to become motivated.

    mood: qwertyuiopdolorouspoiuytrewq
    choon: Carina Round - On Leaving
Comments
From: (Anonymous Coward) [.]
Posted: Monday 16th December, 2002 at 12:09.56
 think
hi hobbs,
it would appear im about 12 months too late in saying this and it really is none of my business because i barely know you, BUT why write something like this in a live journal account? i probably sound really harsh hear with you pouring your heart out and all that, but a live journal account is for other persons to view, read and interpret so it is very unlikely that you will write a passage without intending it to receive some desired reaction, especially not someone with your grasp of english. the way i see it is you wrote this purely to gain sympathy and the chances are you exagerrated much of your quibbles and problems and therefore you have just demonstrated yet another example of your supposed lack of self-motivation. well if thats what you aimed to do you've obviously achieved it and , if it wasn't, you've written a thought-provoking piece by which doing so supports what you are saying, which is what you're trying not to do.

THINK MAN

ps. that is not to say i did not enjoy reading the piece nor am any better myself, nor that i dislike you.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Saturday 21st December, 2002 at 13:44.05
 Going round in circles like a 12" single.
Of course you're right. Whatever I put on this journal is, even only subconsciously, carefully measured to elicit some empathy and portray a version of myself I aspire to. I guess I try to warp facts a little to present myself as the person I would be if I weren't so afflicted by the human disease.

However, I do maintain that I update this journal no for anyone else, but only for myself. I started it because I thought it would be cool (hey, µ did it) and I'd never had the self-discipline to regularly keep a diary before. Then it morphed into a blog of sorts and I liked reading back, because it allowed me to remember all the things I usually forget. This alone made it special to me (I have something about forgetting things) and I made a special effort to keep a note of everything humorous that happened to me on a daily basis.

Now, ever since the summer holidays and before, things have dropped off and I sporadically and rarely update. More recently, I've only made gargantuan entries that I have, to some extent, laboured over and thought about quite a lot. I'm trying to make sure that, no matter what entry is currently at the top of the page, it will give an accurate and positive representation of what is I. Of what to expect from reading about me. Now I certainly don't update everyday and, rather, bung lots of stuff into lengthy entries. I suppose it is becoming more of a farce, a façade if you will.

But still, the point I'm (badly) trying to make is that I certainly don't do this all with ulterior motives. Hell, my readership is so pitiable, it's not worth it. This is what I really think to myself, these are my true emotions. This is me, and I won't change that for anyone else. I will say what I believe to be true, because this is for me to look back on. I want a record of my life for myself, and I would only be cheating myself by altering the realities. These are real emotions and, even if they are public (my journal's been protected for most of its duration), it doesn't mean that I present them any differently. The main reasons I chose to publish it on the internet are: a) to hear others' opinions so I can take them into consideration; b) to give me an incentive to continue to update and to join a community where I can learn a lot, c) to make sure it doesn't get destroyed in some freak hard disk explosion.

Sure, I occasionally exaggerate somewhat, but who doesn't? I only do it as much as occurs naturally in my head in such an emotional state. We are all biased toward ourselves and, whether telling someone else about it or thinking to ourselves, usually present our point of view in a favourable light. Again, this is what I was thinking at the time, so it's only right to record it thus.

I realise I'm not in the most miserable, hopeless position in the world, but many of the things I say are founded. I don't have a "supposed" lack of self motivation. Actually, thinking about it, perhaps that's the wrong word to use. I do have many motives and incentives, also absurdly high ambitions. I'm just plain lazy. I like waking up late, not getting around to organising things and doing fuck all every day even though it makes me hate myself. I don't know about other people, but yes, nobody can deny I fritter time away. I really don't achieve anything, at least anything I recognise as being worthwhile. But is there really anything that is worthwhile? Yes of course there is, but from where I'm sitting, it seems so impossible as to be unworthy of trying after. Even if I'm in no way different by feeling this way about my life, it doesn't take anything away from the fact I do lack the amount of motivation I desire for myself.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Saturday 21st December, 2002 at 13:44.26
 Going round in circles like a 12" single (part ii)
I'm not sure whether you're referring to only this entry but, even without ignoring my trite and insipid similes, this is far from the most angsty of my entries. I don't think this was really designed to attract sympathy, merely make excuses and to find out if others sometimes feel the same. If anything, it's pitiable. As I said, it was a thought train - I didn't really think about the meaning of what I was writing. It wasn't for sympathy - the other comments I received reinforce this - and the purpose was to find out more about myself. To try and learn why I'm going to spend seventy odd years living a life I don't want to/can't contemplate thoroughly.

I don't quite see how sitting down and writing this down to be recorded for [not eternity, but longer that I will remain] characterised my lack of motivation. Surely, if anything, it's quite the opposite? There was no real conclusion to the piece, other than, perhaps, to continue searching for the meaning that can never be found. Maybe I wanted just to understand something completely, or just get my thoughts in order? I think the general idea was to make an effort to be less lazy in the future though, even then, I knew it was unlikely (and also unlikely to have any major effect). Yes, in my constant narcissism, I hoped someone out there may one day find it thought-provoking and could maybe relate to. However, thinking back, I can't find any real reason for writing it other than to record that phase of thinking I went through.

All my entries are, on some level, designed to evoke a little sympathy.

Who are you, anyway? I really appreciate your input.
From: (Anonymous Coward) [.]
Posted: Sunday 22nd December, 2002 at 12:54.58
 Please stop going round in circles like a 12" single
admittedly, i havent read all or even many of your entries but only the ones with the more interesting names. one that particularly caught my eye was the "anal statistics" entry and, not knowing much about computers i must ask, did you calculate all of those statistics yourself as that is most definitely an example of motivation. (although im not quite sure for what...).

as for this particular entry i meant absolutely no offense, but you comment that you fail to see this piece as an example of a lack of self-motivation. well in such aspects as recording your feelings of course it isnt, however in respect to saying that you are trying to be self-motivated in writing the entry and then being inconclusive in the end is somewhat bewildering (or maybe ive just misinterpreted it).

finally, who am i?? well you know me if that's any help, but i would rather remain anonymous so as to avoid angry, vindictive or downright ridiculous comments or remarks from certain people who frequent your live journal account. eg. kaplan...

later hobbs

p.s. i have a diary which i find really easy to keep and keep up because i like the way i can honestly record my thoughts and i enjoy self-analysis.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Tuesday 24th December, 2002 at 10:06.28
 It confused me too.
The anal statistics entry was the result of one of the ways to waste time at night I seem to have a knack of thinking up. I'll start some sort of project or idea just to see what I can do and, before I know it, the sun's rising and the birds are singing the next morning. Banks came up with the idea in the first place, and I just wanted to try and look cool by comprehensively bettering him. You won't care for the details, but the statistics were generated mostly from Word's built-in analysis tools. Find and Replace can tell you how many times a certain string appears, so I ran various words and phrases through that. The other statistics came from word counts and the readability statistics. But yeah, I basically did it myself, spending hours throwing obscure words at a copy of my journal and checking for frequency matches and such.The only hard bit was manually calculating how to remove the formatting I include in the journal document on my computer. The names thing took a long time and I kept making mistakes with calculating the frequency of occurrences but I was really glad for the benefit of copy and paste as well as a couple of home-brew macros. I'm not sure if it represents self-motivation, but it certainly required lots of determination, patience and dead time. After, did I actually achieve anything at the end of it?

I'm not sure whether it's my place to do so, but can I suggest you read the few "essential reading" entries. In my mind, they represent the best pieces of writing in these memoirs. Especially check out the recent entries entitled "odi et amo: Catullus's inspiration" and "i just remembered how suda had the original idea for weasley.exe..." Some of the comments I've received and posted are quite thought provoking and really add to my own content. Try not to judge the quality of each entry by its title - I've never been any good at thinking of descriptive and original attention-grabbing subject lines.

I am glad I'm able to record my feelings, but I don't do it nearly often enough. I get annoyed with myself because I miss out on incidents that I consider important due to a medley of inconsequential reasons. The reason I said this is a prime example of me lacking self-motivation is because I always go round in circles not getting anywhere. I never achieve anything, especially not anything to be proud of. I certainly don't make anything lasting or influential. One thing I find especially annoying is the way I am unable focus, to concentrate on one thing and think for whatever length of time it takes me to indisputably discover what my true feelings and beliefs in relation to that subject are.

I don't really see why you are so keen not to reveal your identity but, after all, it's your choice. Nobody really checks back on these old entries anymore but, if it's only Kaplan and others you're worried about, could you drop me an email just saying who you are? If not, no problem - it's up to you. I'm just intrigued now. I don't see how anyone could see what you're saying as anything other than kind, thoughtful and honest - why should they feel vindictive? As I'm failing to recognise the writing style, I hope I'm right in guessing you're from Reigate?

I find that I can be completely honest in my journal, as I'm not scared of what people think of me. If they can't cope with the sentiments I write about in my journal, then I don't mind if I miss out on their company during life. As I no longer spend much time in Reigate and few people know of the existence of my journal at my new school, it is made even easier. Still, one of the reasons I sometimes find it hard to update as regularly as I'd like is because I'm increasingly careful to make my entries something I'm happy to have represent me and, as such, I need to take more time over them. We all enjoy self-analysis, no matter whether it's good for us or not.

Thanks again for reading, I'm glad some people take the time to have an interest in the mundane things that happen to me. I do appreciate it.
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