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The first exeat: now the detail is all lost because time is clouded.

Again I walked along the familiarly worn path, as always listening to the soundtrack of my life. I looked down to my feet and saw a thousand sweet red berries, saw petals aching with contrition. Once beautiful velvet hearts cast aside unwanted, shunted away. They were downtrodden and guttered, the berries saw their insides forced out and strewn across the side of the pavement: my glimpse of the dirty coal heart as the leaking scarlet blood turned black. The boots came down again to the music that follows my footsteps. It wasn't nearly as cold as it is now, yet I felt no chill about. I thought only about how everything felt so familiar yet so far away, and then I rose over the crest of the hill to greet the place I once knew.

That day, I saw Mini Lois and, stunningly beautiful as ever, Megan. Her voice seemed different, more mature. I just hope she doesn't lose sight of the things that matter because of her pretty face. I also caught up with many other lost-friends including Abu and Suda, and we sat in the park, learning nothing of each other. It was as though we'd died already. Rex was encountered, as well as Catriona and Milk Boy, and some person abused David. I remember a football and not much else. But more than anything I want to remember these people.

We ate chips and discussed gravitons while Robert, the local schizophrenic, stopped by asking for a cigarette. I saw him more recently with David: we discussed moral relativism with him. Then, as the sun set on me, it was back to Banks's where we watched videos, tap dialled, h@><0red and cussed Sam's mad Quake Done Quick skillz. The next morning, they helped me find my bottle of gin. It was next to a park bench, right by the tennis courts with the tarmac which is coloured in negative.

At the end of it all, I couldn't help feeling the gaping void of emptiness yawning inside me.

Bu zhi sheng, yan shi si? - Confucius (551-479 BC)

    mood: I feel slightly heady
    choon: Bob Marley – Redemption Song
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Monday 30th December, 2002 at 15:20.01
 Two quotes.
Apologies for seeming like your personal psycho analyst recently, do let me know if you want me to stop rambling. Meanwhile, I've decided that it's best to let other people say the words I can never form eloquently...make of it what you will.

(With regard to what I say about being ready to let Philly go)

"Poignancy (and this is why its domain is the minor key) is the exquisite meshing of two contradictory feelings. It's a piercing beauty, or a sweet sorrow. Anyone who's ever treasured their pain, tried to prolong it, toyed with exacerbating it or been driven to dwell on inside it long after recovery was an option, preferring the company of ghosts to the dreamlessness of everyday sociability - that person understands poignancy" - Simon Reynolds, (writing on Morrissey)

and #2, because I like it and see a reflection of myself in it, to some extent...

"The more sensitive you are, the more certain you are to be brutalised, develop scabs, never evolve. Never allow yourself to feel anything, because you always feel too much" - Marlon Brando.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Tuesday 31st December, 2002 at 17:21.17
 What do _you_ think?
I'm not sure what to think tonight.

Maybe I'll understand these words slightly better later on... I don't see how Marlon Brando's eyes help me to see what to do.
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Wednesday 1st January, 2003 at 09:31.55
 I think you think too much.
To quote Richey, heh.
Sometimes, when you don't feel anything, or don't feel the emotion that you think is expected of you, by thinking about how you feel in an attempt to reach a conclusion, you can over-think it. So...[I think I was trying to say something although I've no idea what] sometimes it's just easiest to put the second guessing behind, not assume that the way she said merry Christmas etc was forced but take things on face value...or just make yourself aware that each time you analyse someone's actions or motives, it may not be for the reason you think. eg. if I asked a friend if they wanted to go out one evening and they said they couldn't because they were busy I would think "busy" meant they didn't like me, when in fact it most likely just means they're busy.

"This goes to show something, although I'm not sure what."
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Thursday 2nd January, 2003 at 05:42.53
 Or do I _think_ too little?
If evolution requires me to stop feeling and detach myself from conscience, I think even less of it than I have done previously.

Things like death, I don't have enough emotion in me to appreciate it and...uh...respect it enough. When I went to school and walked past a graveyard several times a day, the only way I went on was by ignoring it and not starting to think about the hundred of people with real lives whose bodies will always remain there. I don't know how different it is to the way I can't concentrate for long enough to thoroughly think about important issues and work out what really are my beliefs. I never wanted to be buried (or cremated).

From here: "i have natural numbness - like with graveyards. when i encounter something i can't cope with, i block it out and don't think about it properly. otherwise i'd drive myself into such a state i can't describe. my dad's old and works hard for me. sometimes i suddenly cry myself to sleep when i think of him dying. i've only ever known two, three far-off people who've died. i've never had to cope with close friends, family or myself. i don't know why it's my dad, never my mum but he's seen such a lot, is so wise and i love him. but sometimes he can be such a bastard, and sometimes he can just be dad again, like when i was five."

Of course you're right and I overanalyse people and over-think too much stuff, but unfortunately, I find out I am right just too often. It's a bit like what I was telling porphyria about faith - I can never truly make myself believe any more and, deep down, I always harbour doubt which turns out to be correct. But yes, I try to avoid distrustful second-guessing and largely am unaffected (or so I think?) by being overly paranoid. Nevertheless, sometimes it so obvious what people are really thinking when they say something else. Part of the problem is she believes she's saying it sincerely to me even though it's only really to absolve her conscience.

But yeah, I do need reminding quite often to stop trying to find reasons for everything. I just can't understand why I waste so much time over her...

Thank you.
From:massy [.]
Posted: Thursday 2nd January, 2003 at 16:53.35
 No, but you talk too much
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Tuesday 7th January, 2003 at 13:37.19
 How could a person radiating such brilliance speak too much?
You failed by not being cool enough to make a blank comment.
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Wednesday 8th January, 2003 at 11:19.39
 Is that me, you or TD?!
[I tried to post this blank...lj has pleaded with me to 'at least type something'...how cute.]
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Wednesday 8th January, 2003 at 14:44.41
 And so you failed as well. This is far too easy.
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Tuesday 14th January, 2003 at 11:11.56
 I think not, turkeyboy.
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<blanktag</blanktag>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Tuesday 14th January, 2003 at 14:15.25

From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Sunday 5th January, 2003 at 13:30.36
 Think as much as you like, but don't make yourself ill
I've never been willing to live the mundane life, I've always wanted to let that pass me by, waiting for something with a deeper meaning, until one day it just dawned on me that I was wasting the life that I had...wasting it by waiting for something to come along. I suppose I just acknowledged that this experience was the something and if an experience isn't as deep as another, it doesn't take any value away from it...that's where I was always an elitist. I doubt this makes any sense. Hang on, I'll try to give an example - eg. like, I wouldn't want a relationship if it was only superficial...I'm an all-or-nothing person, I suppose. That example doesn't really fit the context, but you get the idea.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Tuesday 7th January, 2003 at 13:46.53
 And I'll try to decipher this :p
I think I was getting the idea until your example, but anyway... I'm not sure, but taking whatever comes first always seemed like giving up to me. You're right about wasting your time waiting for something that will never come - but maybe it's still out there you just have to get out and find it. Or were you not saying that at all. Still, it all loops back Möbius strip-style to my stupid motivation entry...

We all want the life with deeper meaning, but how many people have you ever heard about who got it?

I don't know. Maybe it is there, maybe not. Maybe it will come to us, maybe it won't, maybe we should be searching for it. Maybe we do have it right now but don't realise it.

We're all élitist and greedy.
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Sunday 5th January, 2003 at 13:36.45
 Re: Or do I _think_ too little?
"But yeah, I do need reminding quite often to stop trying to find reasons for everything. I just can't understand why I waste so much time over her...

Thank you."

Me too...I spend forever thinking I know peoples' reasons and motives, which changes the way I act towards them...and people waste time over others because they've mattered to the person in question at some point...I think it's because a person can give so much of themself to another that when it comes to an end, you're left looking at broken pieces of yourself as well as them...if you see what I mean

and a pleasure...I just hope my ramblings don't annoy you ;-)
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Tuesday 7th January, 2003 at 13:45.07
 Try to decipher this.
Hmm, I see what you're saying. I don't think that my incorrect assumptions really affect my actions (maybe I'm wrong), just I tend to tear myself to shreds afterwards wondering whether I did the right things. Actually, I nearly always find myself in awkward or upsetting situations because of a mutual misunderstanding and, after that, I find that the essential building blocks were lost under the bed when the tower came tumbling down. People waste time over other because they jumped the wrong way last time and are now so far away due to going left instead of right they can no longer see which way down is. I want to make things right but I can't see which way I should go and, even if I guess right in the dark, even if I spot the light coming under the crack and through the keyhole, the door's always been locked. Yes; flailing about it the dark often results in smashed dreams.

I'm no masochist (though perhaps my subconscious enjoys a little misery), so keep them coming.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Tuesday 31st December, 2002 at 17:30.49
 Re: Two quotes.
Am I missing anything by not evolving and avoiding mindlesse veryday sociability?
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Wednesday 1st January, 2003 at 09:35.13
 Re: Two quotes.
Perhaps basic human experience.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Thursday 2nd January, 2003 at 05:43.40
 Ladbrokes' odds?
Is that really missing out on much? Is it worth it, when I've become so used to the ghosts?

Of course, the answer is a "probably", maybe even erring toward the positive. But what is so great about human experience and second-rate experience at that? Sorry, I'm being stupid and pedantic but still, I'm not sure that voting for evolution is a shrewd wager.
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Monday 6th January, 2003 at 09:54.38
 I wouldn't waste your money - the horse is a non-runner
My main point is there's nothing wrong with observing life or pondering upon it, as long as you're 'happy' (for want of a better word) doing that. I'm hardly world's cheeriest person myself ;-)
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Tuesday 7th January, 2003 at 14:08.48
 We know.
But surely the pondering causes unhappiness?
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Wednesday 8th January, 2003 at 11:37.09
 Then you didn't need me to tell you after all
To a certain extent, yes. Sometimes it results in satisfying conclusions though.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Wednesday 8th January, 2003 at 15:01.28
 You didn't have to say.
Sometimes the repeating 12" circles make conclusions impossible and the pursuit just heightens the despondence.
From: (Anonymous Coward) [.]
Posted: Saturday 4th January, 2003 at 08:05.50
Am I a lost friend? I'd like to think I'm still your friend, but maybe I misunderstand. S
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Tuesday 7th January, 2003 at 13:49.09
 Is nobody going to ask about the Chinese? (part i)
Of course you're a friend. They all are. Everyone's just so much more distant now. I'm not sure whether you realise it and how much so, but yes, you are too. I do miss speaking every day and I miss having you always there to come to, even though I didn't deserve any of that. I guess I miss being a part of all their lives now I have no influence to satisy my power-hunger. These people are the only ones to ever accept me, and I want that back. Maybe my memory over-compensates, but I saw all I was missing out on and felt unhappy.

Suda, you were more than a friend. Before I realised anything, you knew me better than anyone and probably still do. No matter what, even if you don't quite see my perspective, you can appreciate what I say and understand what I really mean. You are one of the special ones I could talk about anything and rarely have to worry about giving too much away, letting you delve too deep into my brain. I was honoured with how much you shared with me over the time we knew each other, though I never really appreciated it enough. Together, we've been through far too much. Most of it was my fault, for which I'm sorry. I guess I just realise we can only draw apart now and that inevitability will win again.

Really, I was referring to the people I never properly knew, but whom I could still call friends. They are the ones who now seem to have an invisible barrier erected between us, and I struggle to make myself heard and understood through it. They've forgotten it all already, and I am reduced to the guy who used to go to school with them, a rare surprise instantly discarded. Abu I was probably wrong about, because he genuinely does seem to care more than most and I'm glad for it. I just irrationally feel some people resent my presence as though they thought they were already rid of me. I can't fit in as easily as I remember, and all the fun times I can recall are lost and forgotten. I spent so much time with some of these people and yet it's all been swallowed up in the infernal mists.

I still fear being forgotten more than anything.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Tuesday 7th January, 2003 at 13:49.11
 Is nobody going to ask about the Chinese? (part ii)
David and Sam will always be fantastic. But even they drift away with nobody left to remind them of me. It's funny how I really only just begin to appreciate people now I can't speak to them anymore. I like to think I understand the basic premise of what is David, but I still find I'm allowed to see into certain parts of what he's really thinking. I know he understands how much of myself I can see in him, how much I can relate, but still, we never really talked directly about things. He still seems to hide behind his shadow.

Sam I was just too damn short-sighted to notice early enough. I didn't see the empathy and, as such, I ended up only sharing with him when under the influence of extreme emotion or just plain under the influence. I can see that he is capable of much more than that, and wish I'd been able to get to know him better. Sam was probably the one I could have talked to most candidly had I tried. Not once did I make to effort to talk to him.

TD's always been a wanker, so there's nothing new. He might have even toned down the obnoxious factor recently, which is good. He's just too clever for his own good. I still admire them all so much, but don't know how to get really through to them over distance. I'm just glad they don't act any different because I've been away. I never cared enough until it was too late and even now I can't make enough effort. And still the apprehension and fear is there poking me from time to time.

Bear in mind that this was the first exeat.

You always misunderstand :p
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