Turkeyphant (turkeyphant) wrote,

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Because e2 is too elitist to keep it.

to·tal·ly wank·ered, dude

1.    a) Intoxicated with alcoholic liquor to the point of impairment of physical and mental faculties.
       b) To be exhilarated or stupefied due the inebriating physiological effects of alcohol.
       c) Drunk enough to make a pass at ugly girls with semen-stained attire or engage in group autofellatio.
       d) Or, otherwise, having consumed any alcoholic beverage equivalent or greater to the volume of C2H5OH contained in one beer.
I used to know a kid who called himself (or did we start calling him it?), "Dick" or "Dickless". Sometimes, this inoffensive young chap even used to be referred to as "Dickolas" for reasons I never quite understood. Now, kind Dickolas was a "skater", but I use this term in a fairly loose sense. Dickolas was a skater in that he bought a Playstation 2 in order to play the Tony Hawk series of games and thought it would be cool to start emulating the great man and absorbing his idiolect. Dickolas started downloading "krazy skating videos" from Kazaa and chatted with his fellow skaters about "triple-fakie alley-o ollieflips". Skating, Dick decided, would be his sub-culture of choice, and so, every evening he would re-read his skater-slang dictionary just in case, and whip out his newly-re-modified "deck" to take to the streets. Or rather, take to his suburban middle-class cul-de-sac.

Despite the negativity I may be implying, Dickolas was a very nice boy. Dickolas had a regular job, didn't smoke pot (much), went to school most days and even got good grades. Dickolas was my friend. Although, in my eyes, Dickolas seemed to progress very slowly up the lower rungs of skateboard trickery, those-in-the-know assured me he was actually rather good. One day, Dickolas even plucked up the courage to go to the local skate park where all the really cool people hung out and listened to bad punk rock all summer long. [Among other things, Dickolas likes punk rock, metal and being picked first in lunchtime football teams. He dislikes satire he can't understand and people cussing his pro-skater prowess.]

Dickolas was damn cool because he would go to the park every Friday night to show off the new tricks he'd learned. Occasionally, if it was still light, there would be younger children there playing with hoops on the gravelly asphalt or rollin' dice in the alley who Dickolas could teach the basics of skating due to his üb3r-leet k-s¦<1llz. More often than not, they would be amazed at his coolness (can you actually get any cooler than a skater?) and emulated his suffixation of ", man" onto the end of every other sentence. Yes, that damn cool, man.

But the reason I relate all this fascinating information to you is for a far higher purpose than the sum of its parts. For, in fact, the thing that makes my friend Dickolas so fantastic is neither his skating vogue nor his electric guitar soloing. Apart from attempting to chat up pre-pubescent girls and mopping up bloodied knees from dropping in to the half-pipe, Dickolas would often spend his Friday nights in the park plucking up the required quantity of courage to enter off licenses and illegally purchase special-offer alcopops with a home-made ID. Utilising these vessels of dissolved C2H5OH, Dickolas would invariably proceed to get, as he eloquently put it, "totally wankered, dood" [sic]. Yes, Dickolas was the supremely intelligent chap who coined the proclaimed phrase we find ourselves uttering so often - usually followed by multiple exclamation marks and, if we take our finger off shift too soon, a string of 1s. And thus, the celebrated catchphrase, that much-loved vernacular locution, is derived. It was Dickolas who, all those Fridays ago, after consuming one hundred gallons of 8000-proof absinthe and still being "sober", displayed his marked genius by introducing such an ace expression into the popular vocabulary.
Tags: twd
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