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just because i don't say anything doesn't mean i don't like you
and besides
you're probably holding hands
with some skinny pretty girl
that likes to talk about bands
and all i wanna do
is ride bikes with you
and stay up late
and watch cartoons


She tells me about how happy/unhappy she can be and, in turn, I share my echoed feelings

I wanted to write about how wonderful it is speaking to Sophie. Being the masochist I am, I should have felt hurt or something else stupid when she went on about how much Kathryn loves Richard, about their gratuitous public displays of affection and promises of marriage. Sophie even went and told me about how Kathryn goes on about never ever wanting to wish for anyone else. You know, before then I'd been working on this wonderful poem/piece of writing about those girls who are too good and just should never have sex. Kathryn is fifteen, she seems to be so perfect and, although she's lived much longer than I ever will, it just seems such a shame, such a waste for her to be tainted like that. I know society's stigma about virginity is irrational and this, albeit unintentionally, implies that I assume I am somehow more suitable for her, but (back in my moments of unfettered teenage angst) I couldn't help feeling she is above us all and no one deserves her. It seems to me that there are just some people who aren't ready for sex. Or maybe I just have a virgin fetish.

But I couldn't feel hurt or even remotely upset, because, right then, it just felt so good to be talking to Sophie - she definitely has something undeniably charming about her. The way that she has such obvious imperfections only makes her more wonderful. It's the innocent way she thinks that is so special. And I find the most tedious minutiae of her life utterly fascinating. And, with those recurring masochistic tendencies, I thought she might enjoy speaking to me too, might even like me. I think I really cared for her, even though I knew she never could for me...

I spent my time thinking about how wonderful life is. I told her everything - even things that nearly mattered. It just meant so much letting her know how great a feeling it is to have the sun warm your back through a black t-shirt.

Are there such things as half measures? Is the next best thing acceptable when you're not even sure where the other half of your soul is? And is it so wrong to want someone who you know isn't the one?

~

So we exchanged daily emails but, all the time, I had no idea what she felt. And when, after outrageous flirting and such, she gave me something to hang onto, a chance to convince myself I was wanted, I duly set myself up for agony again. We only spoke of mundanity and later on, she seemed reluctant to open up but hell, she knew how to quote top, reply bottom. Why am I so fucking bad at reading people's emotions? After so many times of being let down, why do I still build people up only for them to let me tumble right down again? And why do I always seem to care for the ones who get away a hundred times more than anyone else ever cared for their heartbreakers? I should learn to answer these questions for myself.

Nevertheless, I made something out of nothing and, only after the nothing happened, did I realise how foolish I had been. But, by then, it was too late. I'd already made her question what she was doing and all but convinced myself to the point that I could get hurt. I stupidly fucked something up out of desperation, inexperience and greed. And at the end of it all, before I had a chance to look back from far enough away, I almost wanted to say things that pretend to have meaning. Little sentences that hint at depth and poignant feeling but really, are just stupid things I say to try and pretend I feel things that anyone cares about, that even remotely compare. To convince myself I'm not just a foolish kid who still hasn't learned to control his childish emotions. I almost think them automatically like the young lovers who are obliged to feel love. "I would have preferred anyone but her to do this to me".

Every day I become increasingly convinced that if I were attractive then I might actually find that some girls would like me. But, duh.

~

And the thing is, Sophie is such a small part of the tumultuous concoction of emotions and half-forgotten semi-broken relationships I'm trying to sort out in my mind. Of considerations about life and how it pans out. God, the last few days have been full of weird feelings. I actually (very nearly) told someone how I really felt for perhaps the first time ever. And then I went off sulking because I was told about something which made me certain that everything contrives to make my life suck as much as possible.

Another thing is I remembered how I had desperately wanted to get away from school so I get back to the place where I had friends. So I too could enjoy myself and bask in the revisited memories of those fun times with friends. So I could be part of the new memories. Only, now I'm back, I realise I don't have anyone to have those fun times with.

I keep seeing the same old fucking story of my life play on repeat over and over and over again.

I always liked the name Sophie.

~

And now I reluctantly admit it all and post this entry even though I want to forget I still go back to thinking these things.

    mood: sad sad
    choon: The Moldy Peaches - Nothing Came Out
Comments
From:lilsparklibunni [.]
Posted: Saturday 3rd May, 2003 at 08:13.51
 
i wanted to be called sophie when i was little.
From:ex_djinny679 [.]
Posted: Saturday 3rd May, 2003 at 09:33.04
 Okay I give in
Even though you bring such things entirely on yourself, I can't help but feel sorry for you. I'm praying that you'll be happy one day...but I don't think even God can perform such miracles.
Without wishing to quote Mr. Worthen, you're obssessed with melancholy love.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Sunday 4th May, 2003 at 11:47.35
 You had to one day
But how can I stop bringing these things on myself? Did you ever work it out?

I'm so hopeless even your god can't help me? Charming. Way to convert me, too.

I know and it troubles me. I improve when the sun comes up, but I know it can happen again and probably will all too soon.
From:ex_djinny679 [.]
Posted: Tuesday 6th May, 2003 at 12:07.54
 Re: You had to one day
But how can I stop bringing these things on myself? Did you ever work it out?
No I'm not a bloody genius

Charming.
I wasn't trying to be charming, I was just telling you what I think I see.

You never seem to see the sun coming up.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Tuesday 6th May, 2003 at 13:48.22
 Re: You had to one day
No I'm not a bloody genius.

There must be some people who don't do it.


You never seem to see the sun coming up.

Charming. Even I'm not that pessemistic...


You never seem to see the sun coming up.

I know I used to. I used to be woken by the sun every day. But have you read this yet?

I guess, in general, I'm just no good at seeing the good in people. Perhaps it's to make up for myself?
From:amoe [.]
Posted: Tuesday 24th February, 2004 at 11:18.14
 Re: Okay I give in
you're obssessed with melancholy love

This is such a monstrous lie. It is a mere side-effect.

From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Tuesday 24th February, 2004 at 13:52.44
  There's this incredibly incredibly beautiful girl called Louise who doesn't even know my name...
True; true.

But now, although I'm far from in love and melancholy, I'm desperately searching for some more of that obsession.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Sunday 4th May, 2003 at 10:41.09
 sophie
I never wanted anything when I was little. Now all I want is for people to want to know more than just my name.
From:lilsparklibunni [.]
Posted: Sunday 4th May, 2003 at 10:59.42
 Re: sophie
*laughs* and i don't even know that.
From:ghostlight [.]
Posted: Saturday 3rd May, 2003 at 09:57.58
 
It's difficult to rewrite the ending without changing the characters.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Sunday 4th May, 2003 at 10:11.55
 theirfigureemergesfromthewasteageeyestransfixedwithapiercinggazeonehandclutchingaswordraisedtothesky
I like these characters. And anyway, do I have any real choice in the matter? Who would know?

There are still so many pages left to turn and the author needs to find some new similes.
From:ghostlight [.]
Posted: Sunday 4th May, 2003 at 18:02.14
 
Who would indeed.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Monday 5th May, 2003 at 00:18.19
 Question the third.
How hard is it the change the scripts without killing off a few characters and bringing in cheap drama minors?
From:ghostlight [.]
Posted: Monday 5th May, 2003 at 01:11.34
 
I'd hire another scriptwriter before bringing in the cheap drama minors. If I were you, that is.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Monday 5th May, 2003 at 03:06.54
 
I don't think my inconsequential part quite warrants sacking the writer. I'd need an army of angels...

Wouldn't I?
From:opalfruit [.]
Posted: Sunday 4th May, 2003 at 03:28.02
 
EVERYONE is attractive, just in different ways. And we all have different tastes too. So it all sort of works out in the end.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Sunday 4th May, 2003 at 11:34.07
 it's hard to reply when i haven't felt like that for weeks...
Yes but, as I'm sure you're aware, never in the ways we/others wish we were. Either that, or no one ever lets us know...

I always seem to have the tastes that allow for the least compatibility and happiness. It can seem like I only set myself up for emotional hurt time after time. It's just all too complicated to ever seem "fair".

It has never worked out for me...
From:opalfruit [.]
Posted: Tuesday 6th May, 2003 at 03:26.10
 Re: it's hard to reply when i haven't felt like that for weeks...
I hate to sound cliched, but when the time comes, the time comes. It never worked out for me before til now. I used to think just like you. It's just not your time right now.

Or something.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Tuesday 6th May, 2003 at 07:47.00
 so i will
Yes, yes, yes; I know. I understand all this, I just need some of my time to moan and whine like the whole world's against me :p

Thank you for your help - I'm feeling so much better now. Not only is the sun shining, but I have survived over a month since then and I even saw Sophie last Saturday. I had a (mostly) wonderful time. Now, if I could close my eyes and still see them all in front of me, I'd be so happy.
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