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On Living
On Living

It's almost a full moon. The sun has just set. I'm listening to OK Computer. This is the precise time I think I just began to understand. There's such a long way to go, but now, now I can forgive. I just hope I manage to remember what I've learned.

I wonder whether, when I realise it all, I'll ever be able to forgive myself...

I've liked the books I've recently read a lot.

    mood: enlightened
    choon: Radiohead - Electioneering
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Friday 16th May, 2003 at 10:46.01
 Do so more often, please.
It is more than likely that you can.

What has been happening? - I wish to be informed. I dislike being forgotten due to my lack of an msn presence.
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 15:11.03
Nah I'm envious of images like that - total perfection - I can't take photos (observation) so I take photos (realisation) which are just a mish-mash of ideas and feelings but the image is usually not brilliant
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 15:24.44
  Youn think I jest?
It's far from perfection - even you know that. And you ought to realise that it took me over thirty shots to come up with that one. I now remember that I've never seen any of your work...

I cannot manage take photos that properly capture the emotion of what I see. I ruin beautiful landscapes, miss intricate details and bleach people's radiance. When I take a photo, it tends to just happen. However, the first few attempts at On Living were horrid insipid failures nothing like what I envisaged. Even though I made some mistakes, I was surprised at what I managed to salvage.

I want to take photographs to help me remember. That is the purpose they serve.

You don't help at the moment.
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 15:30.47
 Re: Youn think I jest?
what do you mean?
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 15:35.36
 Maybe you do?
As they forget, my memory wavers. I mean that I know nothing, and nobody wants to know of me.

From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 15:49.10
 I know you don't. I'm rabbiting.
Sometimes I stand to lose someone and a part of me dies, but sometimes I want to lose someone but they just won't get lost Then later something stirs a memory and I crave them, I crave what was, what no longer is, who they no longer are. This is the sharpest pain I know. If you get them back it's never the same how do you make up lost time? there's too much second guessing/perhaps I shouldn't have let them go/I should have held on until I disappeared with them/but part of me did disappear/and I'm always disappearing
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 16:03.50
 I never jest.
Yes, yes, yes.

I'm not sure how many parts of me remain. But then, I wonder whether I had all that much to lose in the first place.

When was the last time I talked and then, what did I talk of? Perhaps I imagine things, but I do remember certain beauties to be true. I know it was never as special as I like to think but, similarly, that only makes me remember how much better it is than what I can recall. I miss those I knew as friends.

And I still want what I can't have which is a lesser version of what I'll never find --

I think we talk of different things but, in other ways, the same. I only crave people who I project an image of perfection onto. It's not so much that they've changed (that they are no longer) but that they are exactly the same. But then, I never allow people enough time.

I ramble too and make even less sense. Even if I had time and words to explain this, I don't think I could. My heart has lost its tongue.

Thank you.
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 16:12.45
 I'm sure you don't.
If your heart has no tongue then it speaks perfect sign language.

adapt and change in order to survive

A pleasure.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 16:26.02
There's a concrete wall surrounding it. Nice sentiment though...


Oh gosh, this is so silly. I sometimes wonder how I even entertain those thoughts.

I find adaptation as enticing as Charlemagne's fetid bed. Survival is irrelevant and anyway, changing precludes the continuation of anything that is me. This is like nothing before but modelled on everything. Any other suggestions?

God I suck.
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 16:35.36
 Course not.
Suggestions? I think your last comments prove that you don't need suggestions from me, you've worked it out yourself :-)

Cock, I hope.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 16:45.52
 Hah! - Joker.
You couldn't be further away. I'll never work it out, especially not for the moment. This is something that haunts me from within, only my chest is particularly transparent right now. I see no reason for this other than the fact I probably want it to be. But still, with regard to working things out; for a start, I don't even know what I want to find (inside me and out)...

Perhaps you'll be able to help later on when I've learned something more? Or, at the very least, when I've forgotten about some of the details that need considering...

Only the very best.
for $47 | anyone can conceive a god on video