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On Living
On Living

It's almost a full moon. The sun has just set. I'm listening to OK Computer. This is the precise time I think I just began to understand. There's such a long way to go, but now, now I can forgive. I just hope I manage to remember what I've learned.

I wonder whether, when I realise it all, I'll ever be able to forgive myself...

I've liked the books I've recently read a lot.

    mood: enlightened
    choon: Radiohead - Electioneering
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 15:35.36
 Maybe you do?
As they forget, my memory wavers. I mean that I know nothing, and nobody wants to know of me.

From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 15:49.10
 I know you don't. I'm rabbiting.
Sometimes I stand to lose someone and a part of me dies, but sometimes I want to lose someone but they just won't get lost Then later something stirs a memory and I crave them, I crave what was, what no longer is, who they no longer are. This is the sharpest pain I know. If you get them back it's never the same how do you make up lost time? there's too much second guessing/perhaps I shouldn't have let them go/I should have held on until I disappeared with them/but part of me did disappear/and I'm always disappearing
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 16:03.50
 I never jest.
Yes, yes, yes.

I'm not sure how many parts of me remain. But then, I wonder whether I had all that much to lose in the first place.

When was the last time I talked and then, what did I talk of? Perhaps I imagine things, but I do remember certain beauties to be true. I know it was never as special as I like to think but, similarly, that only makes me remember how much better it is than what I can recall. I miss those I knew as friends.

And I still want what I can't have which is a lesser version of what I'll never find --

I think we talk of different things but, in other ways, the same. I only crave people who I project an image of perfection onto. It's not so much that they've changed (that they are no longer) but that they are exactly the same. But then, I never allow people enough time.

I ramble too and make even less sense. Even if I had time and words to explain this, I don't think I could. My heart has lost its tongue.

Thank you.
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 16:12.45
 I'm sure you don't.
If your heart has no tongue then it speaks perfect sign language.

adapt and change in order to survive

A pleasure.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 16:26.02
There's a concrete wall surrounding it. Nice sentiment though...


Oh gosh, this is so silly. I sometimes wonder how I even entertain those thoughts.

I find adaptation as enticing as Charlemagne's fetid bed. Survival is irrelevant and anyway, changing precludes the continuation of anything that is me. This is like nothing before but modelled on everything. Any other suggestions?

God I suck.
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 16:35.36
 Course not.
Suggestions? I think your last comments prove that you don't need suggestions from me, you've worked it out yourself :-)

Cock, I hope.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Saturday 17th May, 2003 at 16:45.52
 Hah! - Joker.
You couldn't be further away. I'll never work it out, especially not for the moment. This is something that haunts me from within, only my chest is particularly transparent right now. I see no reason for this other than the fact I probably want it to be. But still, with regard to working things out; for a start, I don't even know what I want to find (inside me and out)...

Perhaps you'll be able to help later on when I've learned something more? Or, at the very least, when I've forgotten about some of the details that need considering...

Only the very best.
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