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standing on the beach with a gun in my hand staring at the sea staring at the sand - http://turkeyphant.livejournal.com/ — LiveJournal
standing on the beach with a gun in my hand staring at the sea staring at the sand
Well, nothing's been happening and nothing matters any more.


One morning, I woke up incensed because Mr. Dath had summoned me at some ungodly hour to answer to him after missing early-morning house assembly or some other superfluous, time-wasting and life-regimenting form of systematised sleep deprivation. Bam! - the torture continues and there goes another lie in...

Not only did he start cussing my buckets up when I was in such a delicate state for missing his trivial prayers and various other minor misdemeanours, but he accused me of missing two days' worth of compulsory lessons. Despite it being study leave, the prospect of far too much time spent writing out rules loomed ominously over my depleted uranium eyelids. I should have been too exhausted to argue but, when he announced I'd be sent a bill for £40 to replace the fucking iron bar put up in my room, I couldn't help pointing out the numerous errors of his misled ways. He got all stressy, jabbing the air like he was play one of those reaction games, ignored everyone's pleas and my arguments against the psychological torment being hastily wedged in, and told me to shut up and go to lessons. Well, fuck that indeed for a game of soldiers.

There was no-one I could see and no-one to write angrily worded and even more angrily-toned letters too (even that's assumed they would be read). And so, I fell back on the good old last first resort of a spoiled public schoolboy brat. I called my father.

Despite being unavailable for hours and bring utterly unsympathetic when I finally got hold of him, my father agreed to speak to Mr. Dath and, within no time at all, total victory was mine:

  • Mr. Dath came apologetically round again and whimpered something to the effect of a total u-turn. After all his moaning about our slacking and lying, he went back on his adamant insistence that he was unquestionably right and said that, after all, lessons were entirely voluntary. Martin continued to go to all of his.
  • Theo helped me fix up a five minute bodge job of fixing my bar. I had found a slightly shorter one a few days before and stolen it in an attempt to slow down our curtailment of wall-aperture privileges. We spent some time using my hydrochloric acid to try and burn holes in the stone wall and hammered a few two inch holes whilst bending several nails before satisfying hatching the final plan from a baking-hot incubator. I whipped out my 2p tube of super glue and Theo brought in a bag of tiny nails and, with the aid of my tie and a complex pulley system to provide stability and support during the drying process, we stuck a new iron bar to my window. Amazingly enough it stayed up there so now I'll be mightily pissed off if they still try to charge me forty smackeroons.
  • I did something else winning. Probably nailing Charlemagne's files to his desk again, or something.

And now I'm annoyed because we've started playing Counter-Strike over the school LAN again. It's awesome because there's a whole corridor of us who play, including all the insanely well practised asian dudes. During study leave we can just wake up, play all day and then go to sleep again without even having to get changed or open the curtains. It is professional vegetation and I love it. One night, after staying up reading until two o'clock to annoy Charlemagne, I even found myself playing a quick round against bots before it was time to sleep.

I realise that the temptation of playing a few hundred rounds of Counter-Strike is always going to come before exam revision. I can't count the number of times I've told myself I'll only go in for a quick quarter-hour n00b-pwning sesh and then noticing it's gone dark outside and cursing when I look at my watch and it tells me four hours have passed... Hell, it's more addictive than crack butties and just doing stupid shit like playing with the gravity when Martin's trying to play or constantly TKing Charlemagne before turning off friendly fire every time he attempts to fight back allows for endless fun. There are about two people in the house who actually have skill, but I'm convinced that's only because they play every day when they're back in China a bit like Daws. Once, we even played three hundred rounds on a map that simply consisted of two small rooms joined directly onto each other. Boy, was that a good day.

Other than that, I've only spent my time waiting for Mr. Dath to get out of hearing range before nailing all of Charles' possessions every time his back is turned. Now, that's another fun game...


And then the day before my English examination, I realised I hadn't even read two thirds of the Dickens set-text let alone re-read ol' Shakers and the fucking Chaucer I was meant to understand. At twelve, I went downstairs by myself and locked myself in a room to work for two hours. I knew it wasn't nearly enough, but I couldn't bear to do any more by then. The only thing going for me was the way I had persuaded Charlemagne to make my bed for me so I'd be less likely to wake him upon retiring to the room. But then, as I went upstairs back to sleep, I bumped into George and he tricked me into joining a half-term parteee. And so, that was how, on the eve of my English exam, I found myself drinking beers and watching DVDs with George, Eric, Yoko, Val and a load of Removes who had crashed the fun and instantly become intoxicated on half-pints. It was utterly hilarious and the film, Shaolin Soccer, was the funniest thing I've seen in years (apart from Eric). We also watched a uproarious Titanic spoof which was made with thumbs instead of people. The dialogue to Thumbtanic was too funny to be real and seeing all these thumbs running around and jumping off boats allowed for a particularly powerful headfuck. Everyone collapsed and went to sleep early except Yoko, Alfred and I who finally crawled under our duvets at four thirty. Which wasn't a particularly good thing.

The next morning I overslept and woke at 08:30 for my three hour English exam with a throbbing headache, a sore throat and not much remaining of my memory cells. The exam began at 09:00 and I don't remember any of it other than I wrote lots. It remains to be seen whether I come out of it with a remotely respectable mark or not...

The other exams have been relatively fine. Everything Maths has been a complete piece of piss expect P3 in which I buggered up due to lack of sleep and ended up only answering a third of the paper. This doesn't bode well for my final mark or university applications. But hey. It pissed me off for a whole day but then I realised I aced the statistics paper and I could still manage to scrape an A. Chemistry was pretty shitty for a number of reasons, but thankfully the papers were quite easy so it shouldn't matter too much. By the thursday, I'd had only thirteen hours sleep due to last minute revision that Charlemagne kept interrupting (he'd already been working for a week and so thought it wasn't necessary for either of us to do any more). And also, I had gone with Val, George and Eric to some Ukrainian bakery in town to smoke some fucking good weed the night before. Hey, it's all part of the school experience... The funny thing is, at the moment I don't seem to care much because the last paper I sat, Physics, was impossibly easy and actually managed to be simpler than the fucking GCSE paper. This is certainly no mean feat if you've ever seen a GCSE Physics paper.


And after all that, I've been unable to understand a single thought passing through my brain for a few weeks now. I can't begin to comprehend what it's all meaning and what I should do. I feel I can never understand what I believe in. I just really don't know what I want and I'm not even sure whether there's anything I could want.

I found a pound in the gutter when I was stoned. I haven't found money for ages but I still couldn't make myself throw it in the river.


And then I realise it all means nothing, forget about everything, and go to sleep.

i'm alive
i'm dead
i'm the stranger

    mood: nothing
    choon: The Cure - Killing an Arab
From:julianbashir [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 12:30.18
Just wait when the new Half-Life comes out, the new CS will follow soon after. CS is quite addicting and gives your hand and fingers a real workout, unlike some of those other popular games like Warcraft and its ilk. You have to have really quick reflexes or you're dead.

I wouldn't be surprised if you joined or formed a clan yourself. :p
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 12:43.45
 Go go go!
heh. I really hate that game. I don't even enjoy playing CS any more and I think it's getting boring recently, yet still I find myself playing it far too much. Damn, I've even tried getting good with all the less-used weapons and stuff to make it more exciting. The problem with having a network at school is that it's so quick and easy to set up games with your friends which is, of course, much more appealing than anonymous battles over the internet. It's just annoying that this CS craze has coincided with my examinations...

Having said that though, I feel that, if I had the chance to play CS online, I would have by now. I'm not one of those people who've been playing since the first betas, but I can still see myself playing it a lot. And, funnily enough, this dude in my year at school said I should think about joining a clan. He even recommended a place where I could go to play and practise. Apparently, he was once number twelve in the UK at Counter-Strike...
From:julianbashir [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 13:45.33
 Re: Go go go!
No wonder you get bored. LAN parties are just like any other party, they get boring. Online gaming is much more fun because you can't see your opponent sitting a few feet away. And there are thousands of opponents with different battle and fighting strategies. Not just the same dozen players you play with everyday. Even ping rates become a factor in your planning. On a LAN, you don't have to worry about that because everyone on the network has the same ping (more or less).
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 14:04.27
  b32 b13 ,,, ... o2 o3 z4 z5 x1
It's not even a LAN party that just last a few hours. It's a non-stop always-there gaming fest. Yeah, I guess the boring repetitive tactics of a few of the people don't help in making the games exciting. Still I think multiplayer games are improved immeasurably by being able to see and reach your opponents. Even more so if you know them quite well.

As for standard pings - I think it's good if nobody has a major advantage. It ends up just being annoying and then people start moaning and complaining which isn't fun. After all, who likes playing with a high ping (especially when everyone else's is minuscule)?

It wouldn't be so bad if there were more than two of us willing to play RTSes and other strategic games or even different FPSes. Dammit, everyone's too scared to take me on at Quake III after I destroyed them all... :p
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 12:50.00
And after all that, I've been unable to understand a single thought passing through my brain for a few weeks now. I can't begin to comprehend what it's all meaning and what I should do. I feel I can never understand what I believe in. I just really don't know what I want and I'm not even sure whether there's anything I could want.

Haven't spoken to you for a while...could do with a bit of a chat :P
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 12:56.08
 Rütter boy deleted his journal.
I've no objections to that.

Say what you want to...
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 12:58.07
 Yeah, he'd been threatening to for weeks
I dunno what I want to say really, nothing specific...just thought I'd have a traditional moan, if you don't mind too much
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 13:09.39
 Is it just because he likes asses or another reason?
I'm always happy to listen. After all, I'm the worst for it myself. (I like to think I'm up for a laugh :p)

Plus, it's always nice to hear what's been happening seeing as nobody ever seems to want to tell/ask me...
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 13:11.43
 I think initially it was just because he likes asses
Well, the latest news is - a month ago I told him I wanted a break, last night he told me to sod off and die. So tell david that I'm young, free and very, very single ;)

Can I be really insecure and ask you something please?
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 13:16.51
 And then?
Well, what happened in between the two events? And why did you want "a break", as you put it? The TD is a sensitive creature but hell, I dunno. Tell me things about it because, right now, I have no idea what I should be thinking. Was there provocation and how did you speak to him last night? As for David, I'm sure you can tell him yourself and anyway, surely you can't be that single?

Only if my not answering doesn't create a horribly awkward silence...
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 13:24.46
 I'm not sure.
Basically I didn't really know how I felt anymore...and I still cared but didn't want the same kind of relationship and it was mean not to tell him that, if that makes sense. He said stuff, well actually we both did, that probably shouldn't go on livejournal.

Do you believe you can love someone - more than friendly-love - without actually sleeping with them?

Just...do you actually like me, like talking to me, whatever? I just don't want to annoy you if you don't, like I said I'm being insecure...I sometimes get the feeling that you lot, David, Sam etc. only put up with me cos I accompanied (I can't spell) TD
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 13:37.35
 I think you're more sure than you'll admit.
I think I understand, I really do. Now, why did you both say such things?

Only if you're the sort of weirdo who doesn't drink and smoke and stuff like that... Seriously though, of course you can. It's blindingly obvious the more I think about it though, if it were me, I'd like to hear the honest reasons behind it and try to understand. But yeah, definitely. Surely sex isn't even such a integral part of a relationship (even when it's not bad sex)?


I think that, of all people, I should and would be more than happy to talk to you. Even ignoring everything I've said and done and things like that, certainly. Convince yourself I care enough to listen - I have no reason to dislike you.

David, Sam and I are people who often give off impressions we don't mean to. I think it's probably likley that I'll put up with TD's someone less.


Everyone's life is breaking or making and I just feel mine sitting still for at least the next year.
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 13:46.55
 I don't know, it just seems to mark the end of the relationship as well
I only said a couple of things, tried to hold back from being horrible. He said something you'd find amusing, but it'd be an awkward-amusing ;)

He said he didn't believe I could love him anymore than a brother as sexual love is a meeting of mind and body...and we didn't sleep together. I couldn't find an explanation for why I didn't want to, it just didn't feel right if you know what I mean...but I thought if he loved me he'd understand that...I thought he did understand that

Thanks...a lot of the time I feel jealous when I read of your goings-out with the grammar lot...left out I suppose

Maybe it's better that life sits still instead of breaking?
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 13:57.24
I don't know - sometimes his envy of my phallus can be quite humorous...

That's funny - only because you made me realise I have no idea what TD thinks about that. I see that it could either be that or the polar opposite. Hmmm, people are strange. Though, I'm sure he had some complex reasoning that was a lot more convincing... Had he been trying to raeeeepe you for a long time or something? I know how you feel but it's fair to try so hard to explain - I know that I often only shy away from doing so because it makes me feel awkward.

How did this all fit in with the wanting to take a break? It's so infuriating the ways in which things get fucked up. What rubbish people we all are.

Hah. I did try and do stuff with you a couple of times, but I don't think it's quite appropriate that I invite along to stuff when you're "attatched"...

Maybe it's not.
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 14:10.20
 It was one of the ways we kept in touch and he stopped that by deleting it I suppose
He asked why I went out with him...he asked if I had to settle for him cos I couldn't get you :P (Sorry, I just always worry things will get awkward between us if I mention that!)

We talked about it, I just changed my mind about having sex a few months ago and he said he didn't mind...it was just odd that he came up with that argument at the end...he used to be fine about it

It was one of my reasons for having the split, it just seemed to take over the argument though. We were together for 3/4 of a year...it's a long time, you begin to notice a person's bad points more and more

Well I'm not attached now so invite me along to stuff :P

You're probably right.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Monday 23rd June, 2003 at 14:20.12
  You didn't really though, did you?
So TD admitted I have the larger, more alluring penis?

You say "the end" as though much more had been leading up to it. Much, much more...

I always forget how long these things end up lasting. It makes me so sad for various reasons. Your other reasons were noticing his bad points then? I suppose that better than I had hoped to get out of you...

Sure. Damn, you still don't do drugs, do you? To be honest, we generally don't do anything exciting that doesn't involve porn or copious amounts of alcohol. Though, I might think of some gigs that could be exciting. Damn - I still haven't seen Tom McRae... You clever enough to be going to Reading?

I'm always right (emphasis implied).
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Wednesday 25th June, 2003 at 05:02.36
 I don't know what to think of him at all
Something like that
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Wednesday 25th June, 2003 at 05:10.31
 I don't know what to think of him at all (part 2)
Okay, so I pressed enter instead of tab and now I have to post a second comment...

I don't know if I should be sad for losing someone who was 'mine' for so long...or relieved that it's over...or a bit of both...I think I'm kinda shocked that the person I thought I knew probably never existed

Alas no, I don't do drugs, but I'm sure you'll do some on my behalf. If Tom McRae plays again I'd see him, he was really good live, I think Kathryn Williams is doing an outside gig in London in the summer and I missed I Am Kloot at the beginning of the month cos no one wanted to come...so I'm gonna make you go when they play in October and drag David along for a laugh. When do you break up for the summer btw? Nah, I'm not clever enough to be going to Reading, you?
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Wednesday 25th June, 2003 at 09:10.03
 You never do
People are so silly. All the time, every day and every moment. SO much pain because we refuse to share. My point is: you should do drugs.

If you should feel sad (or maybe it's if you shouldn't) you'll know. You'll be feeling more than sad and anyway, I think it's fairly inevitable that things are different and it feels strange. I can understand being an ass, but I still haven't worked out how to start forgiving myself. Oh, fuck it, I'll admit: I have absolutely no sodding idea what to think what to say or what's right. Damn, it seems strange now every time anything happens. And it's always so detached to me. It's easy to delude yourself but maybe the person you thought you knew exists more than ever? Or maybe you're all right and there's nothing to it. Perhaps there's nothing to it at all... I think that, overall, it's just so very sad for all of us. Most of all, weird as it sounds, I think you should communicate with </a></a>suda.

I can't believe I haven't seen him yet. Kathryn Williams might be good too. And you only have yourself to blame if you're too scared to go to a gig alone. How can I get to anywhere in October? It's term time, remember. Though maybe you're just planning to get that fringe to yourself... A tip: He's more into Nine Inch Nails than I Am Kloot. I'm home in just two weeks and yes, I got my act together this year for fun times in Berkshire.
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Wednesday 25th June, 2003 at 12:20.46
how to start forgiving yourself for being an ass over what?

Can't you escape from school for one night?!

I could hardly go on my own, it was in an area that's full of prostitutes :P

I expect to see you and everyone in two weeks ;)

...I got on with Lois but now it's kinda like I won't be able to see her cos I'm not with TD...
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Wednesday 25th June, 2003 at 14:45.46
  He doesn't know what he thinks of you either.
Everything I've done, every way I think.


You point being? Don't you know that going on your own makes you that much cooler?

Who's everyone? I'm not actually sure when they break up either...

I intensely dislike Lois although I see now that I really have no reason to. Still, the point is I don't think I can ever talk to her again so it doesn't matter. She's not a bad person, I just suspect I would be irritated by her. She is very easy to get on with though. What about Suda?

I wish people could tell me more about what's going on. And you better organise fun things for me to do this summer...
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Thursday 26th June, 2003 at 08:33.10
 Why, what's he said?
I don't know if I'm bothered about hearing what he thinks of me or not...you been talking to him? I mean, not that you shouldn't or anything, it can just get awkward when people are talking about each other to the same person...

Everyone is David and Sam, heh.

Introduce me to Suda. When I read her lj she just seems like one of the most intelligent people ever

I would tell you more about what's going on if I knew ;)
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Friday 27th June, 2003 at 12:27.21
  Nothing abnorally kind.
No. Not yet, anyway.

Heh? And how come we never get to meet your friends?

I don't think I can. If I did, it would undoubtedly be more terribly, terribly awkward than anything else you could possibly conceive. However, having said that, I suspect that if you magically found that you were friends with her, you two may well be able to talk about many things...

Of course she's incredibly intelligent. She's just a great big fool like the rest of us at times too...

I was not addressing only you. Though, you certainly know a lot. I am interested in what you do too... You ignored my points about Lois and you actually organising things...

(What are you doing in six months' time?)
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Friday 27th June, 2003 at 13:50.45
 Good spelling there, Jon.
I don't know why you haven't met my friends really...it's never come up before, you met Hannah and Heather though...the rest of them are kinda a strange mix of gig-attending clubber-type things

I always kind of hoped I'd get on really well with one of the grammar girls...I dunno about Lois, in one way I wanted to get on really well with her, but then I knew that she and I are completely different, but she made the effort to talk to me so I'm grateful for that

gah I'm so self-obsessed

Yes well I suppose I could organise things...what would you like me to organise?

(End of December? Celebrating Christmas? Not much other than that...how comes?)
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Friday 27th June, 2003 at 15:10.54
 typo, actually
They are? I had (still have) no idea...

Why's that? How many of them have you actually met? And bear in mind that probably all of them are utterly useless... Remind yourself: they are "grammar girls". I may be being bitter, but it seems to me that Lois often appears to make more effort than she actually is.

We know.

Anything. I'm not too selective about social events after being locked up for a year. Though, having said that, if you manage to have a really stupid plan, I'll mercilessly cuss you down.

Nothing. Just thinking... You know, that sort of thing. I guess we've kinda discussed it by now. But still: what are you going to do from now on?

Forget Christmas...
From:ickleprincess [.]
Posted: Wednesday 2nd July, 2003 at 08:20.03
Erm, I've only met Hannah and Lois! oh and a couple of random people at the pub

Have you come up with any ideas for 'fun things'?

I don't know what I'm going to do from now on. Think a lot I suppose, heh.
From:turkeyphant [.]
Posted: Wednesday 30th July, 2003 at 06:58.19
 excuses excuses
Bear in mind that nearly all Grammar girls are enamored with man asses. You probably don't want to meet any of them. Thinking about it, I doubt Hannah and Lois are that far away from the typical specimen.

Fun things? Erm, Goodbye Lenin looks like a laugh, I wanna jump off Brighton pier and I'm still desperate for some 'shrooms. You could always tag along to an MBA gig too if you're feeling cool enough. But, apart from that, no. Duh.

for $27 | anyone can conceive a god on video