May 14th, 2002


Why can't there ever be a fairytale ending?

tell all my friends I have gone to the moon.
tell all my friends I will write them soon.
and tell them, if you see them, that I am better left alone.

'cause I'm living up here where the air is thin, where gravity can't bring you down,
yeah I'm living up here and I'm watching the universe cooling down.

i spend my days beneath a perspex dome, I think that I have finally come home.

so tell them, if you see them, that i am better left alone.

'cause I'm living up here where the air is thin, where gravity can't bring you down,
yeah I'm living up here and I'm watching the universe cooling down.

*sigh* And after five years, it's all over so soon.

I hate it when it's sunny, and everybody seems to be happy but me. Even I should be happy, but in this situation, I can't conceivably celebrate.

Thanks to the school, today was my last day ever and Reigate. And that means I'm even less prepared for it than I anticipated. And more than anything I don't want to leave. And never want this to end.

Although this school has treated me so badly and caused so much pain, I have nothing but love for all the people I have met. Nothing will ever be the same again. I can't imagine not coming each morning to the same faces I care so much about. I'm going to be missing out on so much. And then there's all the great people I never got to know or whom I'm only just realising exist.

Sure, moving has got it's advantages. I lie when I say going to Canterberry is the last thing I want. The change should do me good. A fresh start will be nice when peer and teachers alike has no preconceptions of me. If the people are as ace as those I've met at Reigate, I should be able to have closer relationships plus, there are some fit girls who will be joining at the same time as me.

However, I still want my life at Reigate back more than anything. I want to see Banks every morning to talk about what was on Lamacq and hear his neverending philosophical pearls of wisdom, to talk to Sam and draw pictures of Becky and to cuss TD's mp3 filing whilst remembering how hilarious he can be. I want to get annoyed with Suda for being gee but keep in mind how much she's helped me. I want to say "It'll be a laugh" with Yaqub, want to kill Kapmandu for being a gimp and chat with Dickie. I wan't to listen to Arthur and laugh at JI with Jimmy. I want to drink Mark's water, laugh with that brilliant Mole and tell Weasley to stop sucking penis. I want to stop Daws hitting me and see through to he less gee interior, talk to Jack about music and laugh at Willy. I want to plot with Lucien, and have endless lessons with Mrs. Cowell, Mr. Sergeant, Mr. Tinney and of course Mr. Matthews. I want to pick up Mike and hug Jules. Dance with Abu and point to my head with Danny. I wish I could listen to Heners being a god and call Rob a rütter. Go on the bus everyday with Nadia and debate with Ian. I want to keep them all.

I didn't get my shirt signed. And I didn't say goodbye to anyone. I didn't even get a huig from Hugh. I have a feeling, the last time I see all these people, they'll just wave and then be gone forever.

The thing I'm dreading most is spending summer alone. I want to spend every day having the most riotous time with friends. After all it's the last time. However, I know how bad I am at organising things, I have a limited budget and I just know I'll be spending summer alone. I'm not going to gee Newquay and this goodbye is going to be like every other last day of the summer term - a dolorous let-down.

For mess-up day we had so much stuff planned. It was going to be perfect. Goatse on all the computers, and I'd pull a prank that would become the stuff of legends. Permanently remembered in leavers' day folklore. But we've got nothing significant planned. What we do have, most won't even occur as people will wuss out. For god's sake, I'm leaving. I'll never be back. Of course I have to go out with a bang. Pay the buggers back. But I can't think of anything major. I won't be able to pull off one massive stunt and then be gone, disappear into the dry ice. But the ever-elusive big one looks set to stay that way. And it's such a shame. I had so much planned and it's all coming to pieces as the moment arrives.

I was going to write letters for all my closest friends. Try in vain to put into words the bloody strong feelings I have for them. Try to make them see how much I'll miss them and maybe they'll understand and remember me. I was going to go out and buy hilarious presents for everyone and they'd laugh and put them away but remember them whenever my image became too vague. And I could do the same for the teachers, find some hilariously apt gift and they'll forget what a git I'd been and pass it round the staff room. And everyone would laugh. And I'd be happy.

I can see it all. I'll go, no one will notice, no one will care. And that'll be it. I'll be in Canterberry and never come back. I want my last moments to be special but they'll be worse than shit. God, the school will be wallowing in its repleted wealth and meanwhile, I'll be so very sad.

I say it again: it's never going to be the same. I'll never fit in again and talking via emails is just not the same. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to talk to Sam more freely down a phone line and TD won't get on my nerves as much. If Banks keeps writing, that'll be fine. Anyway, I'll be missing the daily interaction, stories and rumours.

In just six months time, I will have forgotten about everyone here. They'll seem like rapidly fading memories and my mind will edit them out to seem much worse than they actually are. I will no longer fit in and will be running about the place shouting that everything is "awesome". I bet if I try to write down a list of all the people in my year, I could only get about twenty.

Thanks guys. For everything. I don't ever want to forget you all.
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