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Wednesday 10th July, 2002 - http://turkeyphant.livejournal.com/
I can't believe I missed seeing Mini Daws and Mini Galley in swimsuits...

Saturday was quite cool. It had poured with rain all day on Friday but the second the last bus from my house left, the sun shone and Megan came out to play so I was hoping for something good. Plus, I was going near Sports Day, so there was the chance of seeing not only Megan and friends, but also Mini Daws and Mini Galley.

Dick and I played a mammoth three-set tennis match and I lost rather badly. It became very hot and the stupid astroturf made my feet be on fire. I did get a wave from Megan though, so that was all right. After a quick shower back at Dick's place, we headed out to the park and found Gay Dave in the process of molesting some girl who looked like Mini Pendy only less gee. Later, he fingered her up the ass, and received Kapmandu's congratulations.

Not much happened. Dick used his fake ID (a.k.a. FID) to get alcool (yes, really) on a grand total of two different occasions, but he foolishly got alcopops which failed to get anybody drunk. He also had a nice large bottle of Bacardi, which he resolutely refused to share. Kapmandu bought about three bottles of foul tasting wank and negligible alcohol content. And then after shattering glass shards over various dogs' feet, a bottle in one of his pockets "exploded", much to our disappointment; at first we thought it had been his phial of ass-rape-enhancing poppz0rz.

Uhm, what else? Oh yeah, I stole Kapmandu's 'bone to text everyone in his address book (admittedly not that many) a choice of "I like men." or "I LIEK ASSSESS!!!!!!!!!!". He didn't notice for a million years. Also, I 0wned Bnaks. Kapmandu showed us where the concealed paddling pool tap was, so we blocked up the plughole thingy and proceeded to fill the thing up with water. Dick warned everybody that, should a skateboard find its way into water, it would be instantly destroyed. Hence, under my instruction, Banks systematically washed every skateboard present. Though, perhaps he did unfairly favour ch0wn's deck for a right good cleaning.

After Milk Boy had been a god for a while, some trendy bints came along who were very young and apparently ch0wn's friends. Kapmandu ran immediately over and tried to bone the fat one with come on her back utilising lines such as "Waaah. I saved yu0!!!!!!", "Hey! Don't you think that apart from me, everyone else here is a real freak?" and, most humorously, "Look how strong I am. Look, look at my muscles. No, there. Can't you see them?" Stuart Frith really wanted to bone the blonde one, so Banks instantly informed her. Also, we all shouted out "Kapmandu lieks asses!" every time the fat one came within hearing distance.

Some police came by and failed to notice our pool-flooding, but later came up to us and accused us of looking suspicious. The blonde one warily hid her last dregs of Breezer and meanwhile, some pikeys stabbed someone somewhere for no discernable reason.

Thankfully, after escaping from Kapmandu's bonage attempts, we chanced upon Danny and Hugh and went to sit with them for a while. Then, I pushed a trolley really hard into a concrete bollard while lying on it and managed to rütter up my left thumb and nearly castrate myself. Then, I picked my stuff up from Dick's house and went home.

On Sunday I saw Abu and Rossie and lamented about my lack of a Reading ticket. Then yesterday lots of things happened. As ever, it was pouring it down with rain and Banks had to see a doctor or something, so I cancelled my morning trip to see the end of school, Mr. Emerson leave and Megan. However, the moment the bus left, the grey clouds dispersed and rays of golden light beamed out everywhere. In fact, by the time I finally arrived in Reigate after barely missing a train, it was ridiculously hot and I felt like getting naked. And I'd missed everyone at school... Still, when I stopped off at Redhill station, I bumped into Mini Euan and about a thousand of his friends who'd all be standing on the platform for two hours, trying to work out how to catch a train to Crawley. I quickly explained where the timetables were and showed them how to use those oh-so-useful displays before moving swiftly on through the streets to meet Banks. My crappy Redhill-Reigate train had decided to leave because I missed the rütter train back in Crawley >_<

Banks and I eventually found Milk Boy, Dick and Gay Dave whose girlfriend now looked less like Mini Pendy and more like fit. We sat and laughed at Milk Boy and Banks in the absence of Kapmandu to persecute. Banks made a horrendously hideous joke. But then, we chanced upon Buzz as he was shouting Papa Roach lyrics. So, we sat and watched his friends be rubbish at skateboarding (Dick wasn't much better) and him try to light his cigars. Then, some younger, better skaters came along so people sat in awe and Banks and I returned home under the orders of his father. Milk Boy was, by now, being an absolute lord.

It was here I witnessed his Linux box sans k-rad black and red doombringers of the apocalypse case and leet translucent flames. Plus the console had a useless colour scheme. It was surprisingly nice, but I 0wned him at all his rubbish tetris-clone games. Anyway, it's not as ace as my horrendously customised machine. Not even nearly.

After 'boning an entirely useless Kapmandu (who was still trying to bone the fat come-shirted one), Banks and I had to wait for his mother so we could be taken to Almorg's. I also discovered that his sister, Catriona, doesn't actually want to bone Sam simply because she always rubs his crotch and rolls about with him. In fact, she wants to bone everyone as demonstrated by her sexily wriggling out of Banks's grasp, grinding her bottom into his lap at the computer and awkward tickle fights in the car. Oh yeah, and she got changed in front of an open window. Also, we all still remember what he proclaimed in that fateful Chemistry lesson in the third year. Just before discussing how much better Portsmouth are than Lazio and after the Alien Baby Goo incident, Banks bet me an obscene sum of money that he'd have sex with his own sister that night. I still haven't got a penny out of him...

So anyway, forward to the partee. Well, it was meant to be a band night but the bands were wank and just played the same Metallica solo twice. Plus, they did the worst cover ever of Smells Like Teen Spirit (yes, even worse than Stow's) and couldn't play the Bird Is Gee song... Everybody soon realised how wank they were (except, of course, Buzz) and gravitated towards the drink. Unfortunately there was a distinct lack of alcohol. Dick was the only person I found with anything. All Almorg supplied was a few cans of 2% beer that tasted like tepid bathwater and some hilariously-titled energy-drink rip off – Sitting Bull. I had to make do with gin and tonic which spectacularly failed to get me the least bit drunk. In fact, only about two people there were even slightly intoxicated. Still, I did get to see people like Molee, Rob and Arthur. Plus, Mini Daws was there and Banks thought he saw Jessica Clarke but was wrong.

Kapmandu was permanently being gee. We formulated a plan to lure him towards the food then all pick him up and throw him in the covered pool. Mini Daws warned that he'd probably die of drowningness and, by the end when it was sufficiently dark, we had unfortunately forgotten about it. The alcohol deficiency soon caused everything to suck cock and for the last three hours or so, nothing much happened. Stupid proles refused to play a single good CD and then switched over to listen to the bloody radio. Fucking Capital FM at that... Dick, Rob and I jumped over flowerbeds and I won. Naturally. From this we concluded that my penis must be the longest. Dick tried to beat me but broke his ankle and the band came on again but were still shit. Dick still wouldn't give away any Bacardi and Kapmandu continued to be gee.

However, I did spend a lot of time talking to Mini Daws and hugging her. She complained of being cold and wanted a to borrow my beautiful jumper I wasn't even wearing. Partly wanting to make her suffer, and partly wanting to make her resort to alternative warming methods, I adamantly refused to loan her my clothing. She responded by making cute and longing faces and holding hands so I could feel just how cold she was. After she had run away about a hundred times to bone stupid people in her year or flirt with Molee, I found her again. While we were hugging and I was staring with an earnest heartfelt desire (yup, take the piss about that rather than "wry and jokey stance") into her beautiful grey eyes (she claims they're green) with the slight brown corona round the pupil, everyone made their excuses and left the proximity so that we could be alone. However, every time this happened, she suddenly realised she wasn't drunk at all and just gave me a hug before moving embarrassedly away.

Still I persevered.

This happened many a time, and I repeatedly cursed Almorg's lack of foresight in supplying such a mean amount of alcoholic refreshments. Finally, towards the end, we were talking again. She had been forced to return a jumper borrowed from some other bastard wanting in on the action, and had remembered I was leaving for Canterberry next year. Maybe she was feeling sorry for me... Just as she gently turned out of my arms to leave for home, she sweetly looked up at me, brushed her hair aside and daintily arched her finely turned neck up towards me. She smiled lamblike with her few, light freckles just visible in the semi dark penumbra of moonlight. As I melted, she held on to me and planted the most delicate and impossibly cute kiss on my lips. Before I had a chance to react, her lithe and nubile body skipped off into the darkness, my only memory of her that exquisite lingering kiss and the sight of her beautiful and shapely form drifting away to become one with the shadowy twilight.

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    mood: blah blah
    choon: Dead Kennedys - California Über Alles